five_ones's Xanga

Every time someone says "Same old shit, Different day" this is what goes through my head.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:34:32 GMT

dope is crushing on my brain
dragged down by self casted pain
fuckin bullshit metal riffs
burnin by as my mind drifts.
oh I'll say it now and then
fuckin bullshit yet again
but one thing it flies by fast
cause my patterns never last
today is just tomorrow's past.
what do I fear? Entropy
what is right here? Entropy
is it so wrong to feel so mean?
when everythings so squeaky clean
and stabbed right through my sickest dreams
made me feel like what I seem
fear me fuck this watch me scream.
one more day I waste I away
lost in prattle that I spray
shotgun murder mouth and mind
but my hands stay tied behind.
fuckin sick of playin it
sick of fuckin sayin it
but I'm so blinded by the night
that I can tell most wrong from right.
yeah you heard that right it's can
much more cursed to be so lucid
than you could ever understand.
so fuck your pussy shallow mind
fuck the dreams that lie behind.
If I can't see it no one will
maybe that's why I lie still.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:34:07 GMT

The Perpetual Tomorrow

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 00:43:56 GMT

Give me that pound of flesh
    A broken hand with bloody knuckles
    A twisted mind and wicked chuckles
suckin in that baby's breath

while I fuck the world around me
    tear my dreams right at the seams
    as my mind steams hear my cold screams
at this bloody mediocrity.

Whisper in my ear that I'm not here
    that I am someplace gold, that I'm still in the fold,
    where it never gets cold, where I can grow old
and watch as i shed a single tear.

I'll make a retina incision
    and tear your eyes from your vision
    show you my mission
all with the utmost precision

in fact, I propose a toast
    to my internal inflation
    I'll give you a glimpse of the trepidation
Now please view this prose:

I have a vision of a purpose, that one can walk outside and walk anyplace, greet anyone, go anywhere and do anything. There is no need to hate, lie, cheat, or steal because everyone has everything that they want. There is plenty of food, there is good entertainment. Minstrels are playing music in the streets as children play ball and dogs run freely. Everyone works, but it doesn't take much to thrive because everyone works together. There is no nation, there is no military, there is no need for protection from other humans, but our town does have powerful warrior champions who took up that position after years of battle training done of their own volition. Everyone gets along for the most part, there is no need for a justice system because no one believes that they are good enough to judge anyone else.
    But then, I walk outside. A middle aged man looks the other way as we pass on the sidewalk. I walk into sheetz and the 15 customers in it are not saying a word to one another. The town stinks, literally. It smells of burnt oil, trash, and gasoline. I go back inside, and sit on the computer for another 6 hours until i have to go stand under the flourescent lights and push buttons on a touch screen for 8 hours to make money so that I can buy prepacked dry frozen food packets and afford the insane cost of fueling my car and keeping my also very expensive rented house somewhat warm. I don't HAVE to do this, but in order for me to even somewhat fit into society and not get mocked in every conversation I have with everyone, I, as a 24 year old single male, should have my own place, a "good job", and a car. All of which I have. It really isn't all it's cracked up to be, is what I'm saying. Fuck this prepackaged dry frozen lifestyle, fuck playing on the computer for fun, fuck my good job, fuck thinking about going to college, fuck not saying hi to people, fuck getting girlfriend for the sake of having one. But I'll still do it, I'll still do it all again tomorrow. Nothing is scarier to me than that:

I've said it all before with even more sorrow
    That if we had another way to be
    then we just may break free
of this perpetual tomorrow.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 12:36:43 GMT

Bzzrrttt ddurrrr blurr PING PING PING... Mental Connection Activated: Commence Imagination

From the doped out network of envisionary domination, the sounds of the warrior smashing on the giga drums of the entrancing abyss ring out across the dystopian entropy of the neural caverns we've so affectionately deemed five ones. Everything moves to the rhythm of the drums, from the killer jester warriors breathing fire on government officials while freeing the minds of police officers by separating their heads from their shoulders through flashy backflips they had to spend years learning to do.. while on stilts to the couple who is forever new and in love, never losing the amazed look in their eyes as they dance through space, fuel the twirling of the stars and have us all stare up in wonder at what might have been, what shall be, and give the ultimate grace of good luck on those that never ask why. In all this magic and splendor, there is a dark and dank corner of pure order, where imagination meets reality in anything but a graceful connection. Where things are how they are, where people act how they act. Where there is no magic, no entropy, no battle, no honor, no wisdom, and most of all, no hope. There is a no way to facilitate the disconnect from this horrid little span of reality, for this is the sector that is to be seen with the eyes, heard with the ears, felt with the skin, tasted, and smelled. You eat it up. You crap it out. This is physical existence, and it has been rotting away into pure fucking shit. That is all it is, all it will ever be. Fuck you and your reality, Fuck this world, Fuck every minute that I realize that I am actually here. I hope this leaves a rotten taste in your mouth, cause this world leaves a rotten pit in my mind. Sunshine and happiness to all you dope mofo's that actually read this, may you ride to splendor and ever affectionate bliss on the wings of a chaotic anarchy that we all have a hand in making, as we leave this world a less boring place for future generations. That's Dope.

Guest poetry from Crazy Jen

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 20:09:55 GMT

no good-night kiss, just winking stars
floating to sleep, hung half-way between
the moon and the shrinking earth
suspended, without a mattress or a pea
for a princess.

one hundred and fifty years to dream
a Sleeping Beauty sleep, the injection
my spinning wheel spindle
weaving spells of slow motion
into the future.

climbing higher into space, sinking
deeper into sleep, tucked inside
our spaceship, silently waiting
one and twenty spacebirds, sleeping
in a frozen pie.

reaching further than a lifetime
flying beyond old nursery rhymes
a falling star singing lullabies
I wonder if a prince might wake me
with a kiss.no good-night kiss, just winking stars
floating to sleep, hung half-way between
the moon and the shrinking earth
suspended, without a mattress or a pea
for a princess.

one hundred and fifty years to dream
a Sleeping Beauty sleep, the injection
my spinning wheel spindle
weaving spells of slow motion
into the future.

climbing higher into space, sinking
deeper into sleep, tucked inside
our spaceship, silently waiting
one and twenty spacebirds, sleeping
in a frozen pie.

reaching further than a lifetime
flying beyond old nursery rhymes
a falling star singing lullabies
I wonder if a prince might wake me
with a kiss.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 10:53:54 GMT

I muse in these oppressive days in a daze
for I yearn to learn the atrocious ways you laze
and tend to trend. Too cool of a fool to be trite,
you play the same game every night.
Ya spit the same shit, pop the same pills,
killin more brain cells as you explore the same hells.
I'd venture to say, that you've strayed from your way.
Free your mind, punk. You ain't trippin, you're drunk.
Or just do it again, again, and again. Keep on sippin that syrup
til it's your last friend.
I dare you to say that I'm wrong, that there's no truth in this song,
cause you know that ya trapped in a flow that'll throw
your soul out into the cold, mold your brain into a strained and stretched
far fetched sequel; a meek and weak version of what you once were.
I wish I could do more, but this is your score to settle my friend.
Test your mettle, mind your body and free your mind.
The curtain will rise and for certain you'll find that true beauty awaits you behind.
Otherwise, you'll just die blind in a gutter somewhere, and no one will care.

Lavender and lilac

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 01:15:28 GMT

Watched the Animatrix for a random exponent of two last night. As I watch I can't help but realize how much better mankind's future will be if we rely less on machines and more on cows. Cows are to man as man is to machines. Also, today lived up to it's title of the most depressing day of the year. It pretty much started at midnight last night, and hopefully will end at midnight tonight. XXXX is proving to be very interesting and tight lately, and I'm happy that I became hands on involved once again, after months of retheorizing after my loss before. I'm also developing quite an affinity for cryptograms. My mind is on fire moreso than it's ever been. I'm emotionally swell as well... I'm strangely at peace. There's so much evil and corruption in the world, but after years of careful deliberation, I feel the need to crush it with an iron fist fading. Instead I feel a strong desire to create an island of my friends and family, keeping us pure and simple. Hopefully one day I'll be able to shut us off from the world all together, and we can live life together in harmony. That, to me, would be heaven on earth. It's a renassaince for Dheric, to learn and do as much as possible every day to push that goal forward. If all of us could see this as truth, and everyone work toward this together, it would be all the more feasable. There would be so many broken links in that chain, however, that the action of banding may cause more dissention than comradery. I have no false idealism about the people around me, contrary to what some people seem to think. I can see people's faults just as clearly as their virtues, unfortunately those that could help the most would stand a good chance to fall victim to greed. It will just take me so long to get anywhere tangible in this task that by the time you can see that it's happening, you will more than likely have forgotten about this entry. My hope is that if anyone was to read this, they would think "I'd like to be a part of that.. what could I do to help?" But regardless of this, I'd like to think this is not a post for anyone to comment to reassure me that it's a beautiful thing I'm trying to do, I don't need an self assurance or additional confidence, I'm not trying to feed my ego. I'm merely casting a glimpse into what I'm thinking about, in and out, every day, and have been for quite some time. This has been a picture in my mind, the fog slowly clearing, to where I now have a realistic view of what is encompassed by this dream.

Gantt you're weird at that shit, you can write.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 16:59:42 GMT

But anywayz, as an amendment to my previous entry. I got into WoW and have a set of goals, kinda. Great game, I'd like to get another computerized chess board to do that at home, since my comp is kinda permachillin at Dan's. Until next time good denizens of the better realm of Digitalia,

Dheric is out.

Can you imagine?

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 10:29:10 GMT

I dream all day, every day. My mortal form is but a shadow on the world, a walking carcass that goes through the motions so that the dream may continue. But lately, it seems that the dream wants to become reality fiercely. As I get up, go to work, come back, play on comp, go to sleep, occasionally go to Dan's.. something is building up. Something is festering. There's this strong HATE. That's the only way to describe this new outlook on everything that I have. Everything I try to do, only can go so far. It's all very discouraging. I constantly look at my arms, and think "whose small fragile arms are these?" I constantly look into my bank account, and think "Whose dwindling and empty bank account is this? is this all I get for spending my life working?" I constantly look upon the world, and always the same four words impress themselves on my mind, like a two ton weight drawn upon my soul that keeps me from going anywhere, "why am I here?"

The truth is I don't know. I don't know why I'm here, I don't know why I chose this existence for myself. I'm not really having fun. I'm eating good. I have no free time. I have a good job, and make good money, but for what? I have no friends to speak of. Not really. No one has really tried to hang out with me for the past month except for Mastah Dan, Panda, and General Woo. I guess.. I guess.. I guess.. I guess General Woo is turning into one of my best friends kinda. That is very discouraging. I think I'm going to delete this entry.

Sometimes beautiful things do touch my soul. Sometimes I feel right at home in the world. I'm sure that at least one of those moments is sure to come in my future. I would just like some affirmation that I'm doing the right thing. It's what I'm supposed to be doing, in society's eyes. But even society doesn't really want me. People look at me funny at sheetz, that says it all. I dress in normal clothes, khakis and a black tee shirt.. not wearing my trenchcoat, not even driving my car. And people still look at me funny.. why is that? People have said that they sense something different about me all my life. I know that I'm different, but I really make no outward appearance toward that effect, aside from my car and coat, which actually seem to make people more comfortable with me. They can just accept me as a troubled youth, or some gothic voodoo freak. I'm really neither of those. I don't know what I am. I would really like to know. I would really like to know what it is that I'm supposed to be doing right now. I guess I should start lifting weights and studying. Give up poker. Give up life on easy street. Work for my fortune. I fucking hate cheese.

Nothing to see here

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 01:04:35 GMT

My first entry from HERE. Here it is. It is here. I'm in a very, how do you say? Normal mood today. Normally I don't have any desire to place text here when I am feeling as such, but I guess caffeine, boredom, and a full moon have created a nice little alchemy that brings you this very lukewarm entry by your's truly. I'm pretty sure that my mind is built like an AK-47.. it has rapid fire but with horrible accuracy. If I'm close to whatever I'm aiming at, I can tear it up.. but if I have to look off into the distance whatsoever, I end up hitting civilians and puppies and such, it's just no good. I guess this rambling to myself is meant by my subconscious to point out to my eyes, HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU CAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL THE FUTURE AND YOU SUCK WHEN YOU TRY. My brain's always sendin me messages in ways like that. It's ok though, I understand where it's comin from and we get along ok.

I guess since no one reads this anyways, except for possibly Dan and Annie, I can ramble on about personal stuff that I just want to get off my chest. I find that this is a good way to do that, cause you can feel like you talked to someone about it, but it's possible that you didn't, and there's no chance of them trying to tell you how much they understand where you're coming from 100x during the confession thus disrupting your chain of thought. That's the only real reason I like these blogs, except for the fact that occasionally I will be inspired to right some poetic garble, and it's nice to have an audience, however small and distant they may be. But yeah, wasn't I supposed to be spouting off personal woes and whatnot? I think I was. Truth be told, everything is actually OK. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose I'm finally on the right track. It ain't easy though, it's like walking over a bridge. This bridge is the only one you can find to get to the other side. You've tried crossing it before, but every time you've encounted.. The trolls! Sometimes they got you and you had to start all over, sometimes worse off than you were before. Other times you got scared and turned back. Eventually though, I guess everyone gets to the point that I am now, or I hope they do anyways. I don't care how many trolls there are, and no matter how they deceive me and trick me, I will not fall for it. I'm making it to the other side of this bridge, because I WANT TO KNOW WHATS OVER THERE! That's right. I've seen my side for the past 22 years and it seems like everyone's been goin over different bridges to their own little islands, leavin me stuck on mine pretty much alone. So fuck it, over the bridge I go, where I stop, nobody knows!

With that being said, I think it is clearly evident that cheese is affecting my mind. I think it's in a good way, and that's the scariest part of all.